LOTR: The Mole
by KowalskiTheLich
Summary: A parody of the gameshow 'The Mole' where 11 LOTR characters compete to win big bucks! By the way, I am having trouble thinking up later challenges, so please tell me if you have any ideas!
1. Meet the Contestants!

This is a parody of the gameshow 'The Mole' using Lord of the Rings characters. In this story, there are eleven contestants, ten of which are competing for a 'large but perpetually changing' amount of money. The last of them, however, is being paid do deceive the others and sabotage the amount of money that goes into the pot. This is so that the producers will not have to pay as much money to the winner of the game.

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"Hello everyone, and welcome to The Mole, this year being filmed in scenic Middle Earth! I am your host, Bilbo Baggins, and…" Bilbo starts telling everyone about the rules of the game.

While Bilbo is still talking, two horses are heard behind him and he turns. Dismounting from the horses are Boromir and Gandalf.

"Ah, let's welcome our first two contestants" said Bilbo merrily. Boromir shook Bilbo's hand cordially while Gandalf gave his old friend a hug.

Two ponies, which had been following Gandalf, arrived as well. On them were Sam and Pippin. As they arrived, Bilbo let out a strange, happy-sounding squeal, causing everyone to look at him. Bilbo blushed and shooed them over to a bench to wait for the rest of the contestants.

Just then, two more horses arrived. The first was carrying Legolas and Gimli while the other was carrying…Isildur!

"Mr. Bilbo, who is that man over there?" Sam asked innocently.

"That is Isildur" Bilbo replied without looking at Sam.

"Wasn't he killed several thousand years ago?" Gandalf remarked.

"Um well…yes" replied Bilbo. Gandalf chuckled.

"Greetings, everyone!" said Isildur as though nothing obscure was happening. The contestants decided to remain silent for the time being.

Isildur was busy shaking everyone's hand when suddenly a loud screech sounded through the sky, causing everyone to cover their ears. Suddenly, a huge fellbeast swooped down so close to the ground that everyone dropped to the ground. Then the fellbeast crashed into a tree.

The contestants stood up to see three people dismounting from the fellbeast, which was now recovering from the blow. They were Saruman, Grima Wormtongue and the Witch King.

"I _told_ you not to let him steer!" complained Grima in an unbelievably whiny voice to the Witch King. The Witch King turned and stared at Grima, who shrieked and hid behind Saruman. Saruman stumbled as he tripped over Grima's robes and bonked Grima on the head with his staff.

"Let's welcome our next contestants" said Bilbo merrily. Isildur made a face at Bilbo and Boromir started protesting to Bilbo, who ignored him.

Saruman strutted forward, ignoring the contestants and stood at the end of the line, followed by his two companions. Everyone else edged away from them as they started mumbling to each other.

Bilbo went to greet them but Saruman warded him away with his staff. Bilbo made a strange face before turning to the rest of the contestants.

"Well, it seems that everyone's here" said Bilbo shortly. "Meet me at the Green Dragon in…"

Suddenly, something bounded out of the bushes, nearly landing on Gimli. Gimli swung his axe, narrowly missing the thing's foot.

"Ah Gollum, I'm very please you could make it, we were beginning to think you weren't going to show up!" Bilbo blurted. Bilbo was obviously trying to cover up the fact that he had forgotten Gollum, but none of the contestants were fooled."

"Um…never mind" said Bilbo, embarrassed. "Well, meet me at the Green Dragon in three hours for your first challenge. First, however, let me show you to the place that you will be staying for the next few days."

Bilbo led the group to a hobbit hole and opened the door, beckoning them in. Gandalf strutted in and bumped his head on a chandelier, then the ceiling. Saruman and Gimli chuckled.

"This place smells like nasty hobbitses!" Gollum whined. Bilbo ignored him and led the group into the living room.

"The hobbits living here have kindly allowed us to use their home for the length of the show. This is where you will be staying, so I suggest you get used to it."

Bilbo laughed and left, although it was obvious that he wanted to stay and watch everyone attempt to move around. The Witch King's mask/helmet kept catching on the ceiling, Boromir had trouble moving his box of possessions through a doorway and Saruman got nailed on the head by a low ceiling when he realized that he had left some of his things outside.

Gollum and the hobbits had no trouble maneuvering, but everyone else was having the time of their lives…in a bad way. For this reason, Pippin and Sam chose a room away from the others, even though they had to sleep with Gollum, who had moved in because of the same reason.

"The stupid fat hobbit is blocking our way precious!" Gollum shouted as he crawled over Sam, who had bent down to pick up some of his things he had dropped on the floor. Pippin shoved them both out of the way so he could call his preferred bed.

Meanwhile, things were even worse on the other side of the hobbit home. Isildur was currently stuck in a seated position when he had attempted to try out the sofa, and everyone was laughing until Gandalf finally decided to help him up. Isildur appeared quite offended and went over towards the room with the hobbits.

Finally, everyone had managed to unpack and chose the bed they wanted. The hobbits and Isildur had gotten into a fight about sleeping arrangements and finally agreed to let him sleep there only if he let them out first when it was time to get up. Isildur agreed, and they gave him the bed in the corner of the room. Isildur didn't think he liked this show too much so far!


	2. Drinking Game

Three hours later, the eleven contestants met Bilbo at the Green Dragon. Several of them had had a very hard time with their unpacking experiences and were very frustrated. Bilbo obviously understood this and made sure to keep his distance, especially from the three villains.

"Well, since it's our first day, I've decided to start things out easy" said Bilbo. "You may have noticed what building we're standing in." Legolas and Gandalf rolled their eyes as Bilbo continued his talk.

"To get down to the point, today's challenge will be a drinking contest" Bilbo smiled.

Gimli let out a hearty laugh and did a little dance as though he had already won. Grima kicked Gimli into a chair, then started to whistle as Gimli turned around.

Bilbo laughed and snapped his fingers. A group of hobbits came out, carrying several trays which held mugs of ale. They set them down on the table as Bilbo explained the rules.

"We will have five rounds in this contest, and each person will drink five mugs of ale. Once they are done, five more mugs will be brought out, and so on. Each ale will be stronger than the last, and anyone who passes out or cannot drink all five of their mugs in a minute will be out. The last person standing will win a special prize. If there is a tie, we will have a tie breaker.

"For every person who completes the first round, 1,000 dollars will go into the pot. For the next round, 2,000 dollars will go in etc. Are we ready to begin?"

"YES!" Gimli cheered. Gandalf shook his head at Gimli as Legolas slowly backed away.

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Each of the contestants got their own table, so that they would not vomit on or pass out onto another person. Gandalf looked very solemn, while Boromir and Isildur kept shooting nasty glances at each other.

"Begin!" said Bilbo, and started his timer. All of the contestants grabbed a mug of ale and started to drink.

Nothing happened until the third mug. Gollum not only hated the taste but had difficulty grasping the mug and dropped it onto the floor, where it shattered. Gollum then slipped off his stool and crashed into Isildur's table.

"Gollum is out!" yelled Bilbo, pointing. Two hobbits came up and removed Gollum from the inn.

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"It is now time for the second round!" Bilbo announced. "Everyone but Gollum managed to complete the first round, so ten thousand dollars are going into the pot. This next ale will be stronger, and I highly doubt that everyone will finish this round."

Hobbits brought out the new ales and set them on tables. Gimli hastily grabbed his mug before Bilbo blew the whistle and accidentally spilled it down his beard. Pippin, who was sitting next to Gimli, edged his chair away from him as Gimli burped loudly. Bilbo decided to take pity on him and allowed him to have another glass of ale.

Bilbo blew his whistle and everyone started drinking. Grima took one swig and vomited violently onto the table and floor. Saruman shouted and leapt away from him as Grima started cursing.

Bilbo didn't really know how to react but decided to remove Grima because he didn't want any more vomit on the table and floor because he would have to clean it up.

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It was now in the fourth round and only four people remained: Gimli, Sam, Saruman and Legolas. Boromir and Isildur had both passed out on the same mug and fell rather hard into the wall. The Witch King's mask/helmet had fallen off onto the floor, causing him to go over the one minute time as he retrieved it, and Pippin had fallen face first onto the table.

Bilbo blew his whistle and Gimli drunk four of them, than coughed. Legolas looked amused as Gimli attempted to down his fifth mug. He managed to do so, but then swayed on the spot but didn't fall.

Legolas watched Sam take one sip and then quietly back away from the table. Legolas drunk all of his and stared down at Gimli. Gimli looked up and laughed like a retard.

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It was now down to three contestants: Saruman, Gimli and Legolas. The hobbits brought out five mugs of what was apparently their strongest ale. Gimli grabbed one and drunk it as soon as Bilbo blew the whistle. He then belched right into Legolas' face, causing Legolas to stumble and knock all of his ale onto the floor. Legolas didn't seem too upset and was glad to leave the inn for some fresh air.

Meanwhile, Saruman, who had apparently gotten a very strong stomach after all of his years, was whacking Gimli in the shin with his staff. However, Gimli was too drunk to notice and started burping uncontrollably. Saruman said some funny words and then started drinking again as if nothing was happening. Gimli frowned at this behavior before grabbing another mug.

Finally, both Gimli and Saruman finished their ales, and Bilbo told them the rules of the tiebreaker. They were simple: they had to run over to the other side of the inn, go to the cellar, grab a barrel of ale and bring it to him. Bilbo assured them that the ale was very light.

Bilbo blew his whistle and the pair set off across the inn. Gimli veered left and right uncontrollably like a car on ice before careening into a table, knocking it over. He then laughed stupidly and waved at Saruman, who didn't appear very drunk at all and was almost to the cellar. Saruman responded by throwing a stool at Gimli, which missed.

Saruman went into the cellar and saw that all of the barrels were inconveniently located on the other side of the cellar. In order to save time, Saruman rushed over, grabbed one and blew a hole in the cellar roof/inn floor with a spell and threw the barrel up.

However, Gimli was walking by and noticed the ale. He grabbed it and started to waddle back towards Bilbo, who was doodling on a spare piece of paper.

Saruman pushed himself out of the cellar, only to notice Gimli walking away with his ale. Saruman angrily started to rush at Gimli, but Gimli arrived first and set the ale on Bilbo's foot. Bilbo swore before realizing what had happened and congratulated Gimli, who toppled to the floor.


End file.
